I am lucky..

Everything is a blur.. I was at home all alone, not having any lectures and all.. I was doing my laundry.. it's winter. but since it was early in the morning and the sun was out.. I took the chance.. While doing the laundry, I was skyping with my mom and my sisters (mish u all) yup.. And I don't know why.. I was holding myself..holding my tears from rolling down my cheeks, holding my feelings, scared there would be an emotional outburts..I guess it was because whenever I saw her gentle, wrinkled face... I saw love, hope and trust.. Despite that, I also see a woman... a very strong and patience woman who is actually tired and exhausted but still trying to maintain the calm composure... potraying someone, a role model..good enough for the kids..

I always feel like crying whenever I see her face.. How i misses her smile and her gentle words.. "I know you can do it, I always have faith in you, believes in you" those words keep on repeating itself, clearly embedded in my mind, my drive, my motivation whenever I feel down or powerless.I never know that until I was here. I always know she loves me.. but I rarely hear her spoke the word of love, especially to me... But, I always loved her no matter what. In fact, I'm thankful she was hard on me.. back in my childhood.. because of that, i grew up to be someone she's proud of.. Then, i realise.. love does not mean that you have to cried it out loud and show the world...Its enough that you know... love is about letting go and having trust that one would not lose his/her way.. Yeah, that's love.. It was hard for her to let me go here, to be far from her sight but she trusts me that I will not forget to remember her..

Even at the airport two months ago..when I hugged her, me drown in tears.. afraid of the uncertainties and away from that comfort zone.. I did not see any single tear from her eyes, although I was able to see that she was trying not to cry, still trying at the last moment of goodbye..trying to be strong... At first, I was dissapointed.. Why didnt she cry like other mothers? Wont she miss me? Is she glad that I'm gone? I walked slowly to the door.. and I saw others crying reluctant to be separated from their families.. Then I understand, if she was to cry, I dont think I would be able to make that step, to embark on a new journey, a new future.. and that moment,..I thank her for her strength and I pray to Allah that I can be as strong as her, not easily distracted...

Mom, I love you and thank you for supporting me all the way.. Although life would have been much easier I was to stay... Being one of the eldest.. I held a very big responsibility.. I had a steady job and a firm future in hand.. Life would be much more comfortable for all of you that way, I can help the family..contributing my earnings, helping managing the house, looking after the siblings.. But yet, she let me go, believing that I can do much better here, building a new future... I think the hardest thing for a parent is to let go.. I promised I will never change and will always stay as the daughter that you've always had..